I'm missing the time. We've been the best friends. This time was beautiful and I wasn't able to appreciate it. You just know later, what you really had, when it is gone. Now I ask myself, what he is doing. Does he think about me? I don't know.
„Understand it, please“, he said to me. And I sat there, looking at him, and I didn't even unterstand. I didn't ask for the reason either. Just once I wanted to give him the impression, I don't think about me all the time. Maybe he knew, how the „Why?“ was burning on my tongue and I didn't let it out. He just wanted to leave me. It's okay, I thought, then we can let the grass grow over it.
Probably a whole forest has grown over it in the meanwhile. I don't know anymore, how long we haven't seen each other. Three years or three and a half, it's too much time. Every day I think about him. Though I haven't seen him for such a long time. But it's hard for me to accept that I am responsible for that. And it doesn't help me much when I can't apologise for it. I must understand that – without saying or thinking anything.
It was a very cold winter's day. It snowed, I liked that. The little white flakes fell on his hair and I looked very often at him. The way was totally snowed. I felt cold.
„You're so quiet“, he said. He teared me out of my thoughts. I watched him confused: „Yes. That's true“. I was going to tell it. He went a bit slower: „Why?“ I smiled. Actually you don't want to know that, I thought. I was right. I opened my mouth and watched my breath, it looked like smoke. The smoke of a fire which was going to burn. I sighed heavily: „I fell in love with you.“ He stopped going . What have I done when I was at his position? I turned around and saw him standing there, shivering, shocked, with the snowflakes on his hair. He watched me in a weird way. I didn't dare to make a few steps. In the snow our footsteps were still there, his ones stopped behind mine . I turned around again and went on alone again. Alone.
Now I am alone, too. I know, it wasn't easy, neither for him nor for me. But do we feel better now? Maybe he does. But I don't know that. Actually I don't know anything. It is sad, I thought we were the best friends. How only one sentence can destroy a friendship....
Then he took his things and left, hoping that I understood. But why didn't he understand? It was nothing I could change. He couldn't either. I felt sorry. But for whom? I felt sorry for me, I lost something which was really important to me, a friendship. Something really supreme, something precious. But that was over now.
And not even three years are enough to cover this. I wish, I wake up and everything has been a bad dream and I'm going to see him, just one more time. I miss him. Without him I'm nothing.